Even though my life and everything around me was flowing nicely, my mind had switched and I fell into a deep, dark hole; a hole so full of detached, meaningless, unfulfilled life. I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to kill myself, and so sleep became my favourite thing to do and waking up was my least favourite. Life became uninspiring and I stopped creating images. I would force myself to take photos for keepsake but that love and passion just wasn't there anymore. Nothing was there. I was just living loops as an empty vessel.
I called myself unsuccessful and a failure because I had thought that success was measured by the amount of money I made, and boy was I struggling. I ended up crying myself to sleep on the night of my birthday. My first day as a 22 year old was spent at the doctors with needles in my arm and a piece of paper with the words 'Mental Illness Treatment Plan' sprawled on the top in bold. I was prescribed medication and given therapy but I took none of that.
But then I realised that the more I answered truthfully to people's 'How are you?' and 'How have you been?' questions, the more I discovered that I was not alone. I found comfort knowing that there were others I could relate to - home and across the world. I realised that my feelings mattered, and that it's perfectly fine to feel like shit. I learned to love myself again; I learned to feel again. I'm glad I started talking to people about my feelings.
2014 has not been my year in terms of self-happiness, self-improvement or self-love. But I've learnt a lot and although that dark hole is difficult to climb out of at the moment, I can see that speck of light at the top and I know that there if a life full of colour in 2015.
This has been my year:
Test shoot with Georgia @ AZALEA
1. Rokshana for Elegant Magazine // 2. Stephanie Iles @ Chadwick published in WOVE Magazine
Beauty shoot with Emily in my backyard
1. Travelling to Japan // 2. Laura in Shinjuku, Tokyo (blog posts coming soon!)
I was invited to photograph the Stage Label event as part of Melbourne Spring Fashion Week. It was held in a penthouse on the 10th level overlooking Melbourne city. The night was spent shooting and eating pizza on the floor in a hotel room crowded with models.
I became a finalist in pedestrian.tv's Blogster Awards and was invited to Sydney to attend the awards ceremony. My friends all chipped in to buy my plane ticket as a birthday present and I spent the weekend with my love exploring the city. The ceremony was held in a large studio, with a free flow of alcohol and food. There were people from different areas of the industry and I got too overwhelmed to socialise that I stood in the corner of the room with my boyfriend until it was time to call it a night.
Georgia @ Wink Models with designs by Elizabeth Barclay
I was invited by the editor of The Australia Times Fashion Magazine to accompany her to the Melbourne Spring Racing Carnivals to take pictures of celebrities and bloggers in their attires. It was an amazing experience
Juliette @ Vicious. She lit that fire inside of me and now I feel inspired to create again.
Looking back on the year that's been, I've finally realised that I've achieved some amazing things and I'm glad that I can end the year with word 'failure' out of my mind. I can't thank you enough for all the love, comment and support that has come my way. I am grateful for all the goodness and love that has been given to me and I wish everyone an amazing new year ahead. Here's to a new year of health and happiness.